Bert’s Bee
Felicity sits quietly in her office, watching youtube videos of train crashes. Her diary is close to her, showing her the three appointments of the day. Bert Cornstock, Geraldine Farber, Franz Fritz Frooster.
The first patient comes in.
‘Mornin’ ma’am, mighty grateful for yer time.’
‘Have a seat Mr Cornstock, what hurts?’
‘This mornin’, at the crack of dawn, a bloomin’ bee stung me in me knee.’
Bert exposes his swollen knee.
‘Stop right there, no need for this amount of indecency in my clinic.’
‘How are ye to treat me if I can’t show ye me swollen knee?’
‘Many a swollen knee has come to me, with or without a bee. If there were no bee, my mind would see a remedy. Since the bee’s sting is trapped in your knee it is plain to see no remedy.’
‘So what does that mean for me?’
‘Malfunction in your calf and thigh.’
‘Does this mean I won’t be able to walk?’
‘Ah, so pessimistic Mr Cornstock, do not trouble yourself with such a thought. What you are stating is merely one of the many possibilities for an outcome.’
‘Ah, that’s good to hear…(gulps), me thinks. What other possibility do ye see ma’am?’
‘Of course there is the possibility that you are immune to bee poison, in which case nothing at all will happen and the lump will shrink off your knee in a little while.’
‘Can ye check that? I am fine with needles, if ye need to do a blood test.’
‘No need for that Mr Cornstock, as I see from your yellow complexion that the process has begun.’
Bert sighs but then looks up alarmed.
‘Yellow? Me face? Like honey?’
‘Ha, ha, I see you have not lost your sense of humour. It is a great gift in the face of the inevitable.’
‘Inevitable what?’
‘Why death of course?’
‘Death?’
‘Yes of course, it is bound to happen sooner or later.’
‘From a bee sting?’
‘Some go that way, if they are allergic to the poison.’
‘I feel faint!’
‘Oh no need to distress yourself Mr Cornstock. Have a lie down and I’ll fetch you an aspirin. It will help relieve the pain.’
‘I’m dying!’ Bert gasps for breath.
‘Not today Mr Cornstock, whatever gave you that idea?’
Bert shoots up.
‘You said I was about to die.’
‘I said no such thing, it would be very unprofessional of me. I merely stated that we all die at some point.’
‘Ah that’s such a relief!’
‘Hmm..’
‘Hmm? What hmm?’
‘Your toes have turned blue.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It’s as I’ve predicted. A malfunction on your calf stopped the circulation to your toes.’
‘Can you fix it?’
‘I have some unclogging syrup for just that.’
‘Ah wonderful!’
‘However, there is also the possibility that your aortic pump might be affected by the sting.’
‘Which pump?’
‘Your heart Mr Cornstock.’
‘My heart is sick?’
‘It’s only a theory, but if I administer unclogging syrup instead of aortic pump lubrication gels it might give you a heart attack.’
Bert is visibly agitated.
‘Is there a heart pill you can give me?’
‘Ah yes of course, let’s try this.’
She brings a round red little pill.
‘It’s a new experimental treatment that could fix both issues. If you agree to try it you’ll be helping the community and very likely going home a healthy man.’
‘This little pill will fix me knee, and heart?’
‘It is very likely, yes.’
‘Lovely, I’ll take it.’
He swallows the pill.
‘Ah, I forgot to mention, but there are some possible side effects including perspiration, indigestion, heartburn, leg cramps, light headaches and death.’
Bert gasps.
‘But mostly death.’
Disclaimer: Bert lived to get stung another day.
Dr Anamaria Weston 